My Breastfeeding Journey

If you have gathered that this might contain TMI for some people. I had previuosly touched on trying to breastfeed in The Aftermath (Birth Story Part 2) but I wanted to go into it on it's own.

While I was pregnant I was adiment that I would, I went to the ante-natal rtraining, had all the leaflets and read all the books. To me it would be the best thing I could do my child, as well as bonding with them. I knew that it could take me a while to get used to it and was excited to be 'Mummy' to my little child.

As I previously spoke about in When Minilemming Became Bethany (Birth Story Part 1) my labour was not a smooth ride and ended wtih having an emergency kelland forcep delivery. It didn't matter, I made it clear that I wanted them to do anything possible to ensure that Bethany and I were as healthy as possible and they did that.

Here we were and I was asked if I wanted to feed her, I don't think I could of rushed my boob out as quickly as I did. The midwife helped me to try and latch her on, but Beth screamed and cried. During this time the Paediatric doctor had come after seeing Beth's blood results, they were concerned about her white blood count after being inside so long after my waters broke and showed signs of distress. The Midwife was reassuring me this is why she doesn't want to for now as she's not feeling very well and everythings a shock.

We both got wheeled to the labour ward, and then Beth went off the neonatal to get her IV put in (which failed, they had to inject her instead which distressed her more). She was gone for 3 hours, as soon as she was back I tried again, as I was on bed rest the Midwives stayed with me so in case I needed them. Beth still wouldn't feed - we would latch her on, but she would suck and just dribble it out. We would repeat this until she would fall asleep.

I was frantic throughout the night, it would repeat again and again, she gave me a small piece of hope at 2am when she did actually suck more than once, but only to dribble it back out again. Early moring I was in tears in my cubicle, my daughter had not really eaten since she was born and I was distressed that she unwell. The midwives all gathered to speak to me, give her a bottle, get some food into her and we will try again on the next feed.

The next feed we tried to hand express, basically it's massaging the breast to get the milk to come out and then you collect it into a springe to give to baby. I massaged until they were bruised but so little came out, and still we were latching but not interested. I was released home, still eager to do this, still eager to do anything and everything.

We stopped for formula, bottles and teats as we had got nothing at home to feed her with. The first night was torture, trying to get her to latch while waiting for a bottle to cool while she sceams was heartbreaking. She guzzled those bottles like I would take them away any minute.

The midwive arrived the next day and got in touch with a breastfeeding expert to visit me around an afternoon feed. I was doing everything correctly but no one could tell me why Beth cries everytime she went near a breast. I even sat one night for hours torturing my now sore breasts trying to manually squeezing them. By this time even my ppor breasts had given up and it was getting harder to get milk.

A week after leaving hospital I threw in the towel, Beth was starting to thrive on formula and I was really stressed and not enjoying the time with my girl. After doing some research it was the stress of the birth that could of hindered things and it also never crossed my mind that my baby just didn't want to breast feed.

Beth is now a happy, thriving baby who loves her bottles. She is, according to the guidelines, on the small side but is feeding consistantly the correct amount so they are monitoring but not overly concerned. For me, the decision to stop was the best I made, I now love the quiet feeding time with Beth, she stares at me with those big blue eyes and I know I have done the best for her.