Hello Aniexty, my old friend

 

You will have to bear with me on this post, it's the one I've been putting off for a while but until I started the journey I didn't feel right enough to talk about it.

Last week I had it confirmed that my anxiety was official back with low moods thrown in for good measure. Since, Beth has been born my moods have not been consistent and I put this down to after birth hormones, then going back on to the pill. My life has also not be consistent: with a new baby, Hubby getting/losing/getting work, money not being consistent, my aunt that I was close to passing away and feeling claustrophobic in our flat because I spend a lot of time in it.

This all came to a head about two weeks back the Thursday before my BIL' s wedding, I was washing baby bottles and suddenly felt I was drowning and the walls were caving in. I couldn't breathe and I just thinking that everything was too much, I knew full well I well I was in the midst of a panic attack, my first in several years. Looking back, I had been out of sorts for nearly a week, very spaced out, not able to concentrate and just having no motivation to do more than the bare minimum to ensure that Beth is looked after.

After the wonderful weekend, I decided that I am not as happy or as myself as I am and thought I do a self referral back to where I did my previous treatment. If they think I'm fine then at least I've got myself 'checked' and that is that. The form wants to know my previous mental health history (Briefly - Depression 2005 treated with face-to-face sessions, Depression/Anxiety 2011 treated with computer training), how I am feeling now and what situations am I struggling with. This is then sent off to my referral people (I'm part of Bucks NHS which run Healthy Minds as their mental health treatment system), and a few days later got a phone call from them to speak through the form and see how they can help. They also gave me my results of the tests on the forms.

They concluded that my anxiety was very high and that my moods were low producing a circle that I was finding it hard to get out of. They offered telephone counselling so I did not have to worry about finding someone to babysit Beth and feel comfortable in my own home. They also asked my HV to give me a visit as part of my worrying is how I am looking after Beth as her weight was still an issue which causes me panic of am I feeding her enough? I had this visit on the Monday, she was happy with Beth's development even though her weight has dipped. The Thursday following was my first session with my counsellor.

We did the tests again (they use these to measure progress so I will have these every time), and went over what she is there for as well as my history and just letting me talk on why I asked for help. At the time Beth was in her high chair next to me, gurgling away after lunch, I know without having her then I will be in bed feeling sorry for myself. This, of course, this upset me, not only am I doing this for me but for Beth so her Mummy can be there for her. At the moment I have a scheduled appointment with her once a week as well working through workbooks during the week.

I did see my doctor, through Healthy Minds they got me an appointment the same day and discussed treatment going forward. I have turned down medication, I am very mixed on using medication after having some migraine beta blockers that were also anti-anxiety pills. I took these for two months and I woke up screaming in sweats, thinking that Bethany was not breathing. I know that they are there if I need them, I also have a note on my file to say that if I request an appointment to have one as soon as possible (which is my doctors is a blessing!).

The moment I emailed the referral over I felt a weight has lifted, I'm saying that things are back to normal, we have a long way before I can say that, but they starting to feel on the right path.